Monday morning internal dialogue:
~ I should cut my hair
~ Actually, I should find a style I like, go to the salon and get my hair done.
~ I have thinning shears and hairdressing scissors here, it’s just too long, I will trim and layer it. Not like I haven't done it many times before.
~ But I could probably make an appointment for Thursday or Friday morning…
~ I really don’t want to sit in a chair and chit chat.
~ Well, I am always fine once I get there, what is wrong with me? This is silly...It really is so nice to have my hair washed, cut and styled.
~ Heck with it, where are the scissors?
Yup, this really happened yesterday morning.
The past few years I have noticed distinct changes in my ability to “move past” or “step out of my comfort zone”. I used to use those lines to explain my nervousness, but over the past few years I have lost that excuse and ability to overcome the anxiety, in certain situations. It is happening more often, and interfering with my regular day to day life. Winter is the worst for me, as it is just so easy to stay home and not be part of the “real world”. If I had a job outside the house, it might help, or perhaps I would be suffering more, who’s to say?
The worst part of suffering from anxiety is the knowledge that when you are in the midst of the emotion (panic attack, stomach in knots, shutting down, etc...), you know it is not rational, yet you lack the ability to control that emotion at that moment in time.
We carry on an internal conversation telling ourselves something like “stop being so ridiculous,” “it is no big deal”, or “why can’t you just deal with it?”!! Self talk is a whole other topic, for another time...We are often tougher on ourselves, than we would ever be on someone else, so why not take a more soothing approach and be nicer to ourselves? It’s okay to feel scared, or nervous or wanting to just turn around and go home. We need to try telling ourselves that we accept the emotions, regardless of why we are having them or what is causing them, and stop beating ourselves up.
In this case, I feel like a huge part of the self hate or self doubt comes from the fact that no one talks about this. No one opens up to you and says, “hey, I am struggling to walk through this store too.” We just go on about our lives, putting pressure on ourselves to appear okay, and assume everyone else is doing better than us. In our world of "everyone's perfect lives" on social media, we have a tendancy to doubt our own lives even more.
Well, here I am, I am not perfect, I struggle daily with anxiety over sometimes very small things, and that's okay. I don't want anyone thinking anyone else's life is prefection. We all have struggles, things we are working on. So, don't feel alone, no matter how you are feeling, I guarantee, someone else has been there or is currently struggling as well. TALK, there is someone to listen, if you aren't comfortable talking to a friend or family member, find a group to belong to, ask if anyone on your friends lists want's to talk or talk to a professional. Reach out, you will be surprised how just talking can help!
While writing this post, I have come to the realization that this is a series, to continue writing about and sharing my journey (yes, another journey I am on! lol).
Here is my Facebook Live from earlier, sharing a little about me, and why I am starting this series.
Feel free to comment, share and talk!!